I had a pretty shit beginning to my week, and it has made me pretty, excuse my French, pissed off. I’m just angry at myself, at life… and I just feel like crying every 10 minutes.
However, Nutella has been my saviour and endless amounts of junk food. In-between stressing over my dissertation, swallowing painkillers and sleeping, I’ve managed to find time to reflect on what this means.
Dislocating my knee was never meant to happen again. My surgery was meant to fix this, but my leg has other ideas. My Monday was destroyed by a visits to A & E in an ambulance and being given crutches. I was devastated. I’m distraught. I’m frustrated.
I don’t know how to communicate how I feel and I know that no one else gets this, so I turned to my blog to understand this.
I *hope* that this was just a blip in my recovery and that soon my leg will be fine. Maybe it was because I was close to starting my period and my ligaments can become stretchy during that, maybe it was because of the cold… maybe it is because it’s my body telling me it isn’t ready to be totally *normal* again.
Maybe it needs a short break, which is what I’m doing. I’ve rarely left my room/my flat since Monday night, and I’m taking it slow. I’m giving myself a while to recover, I’m giving my body the rest it is asking for.
I can’t stay angry at my body, it clearly isn’t ready for what I’m trying to do. As James Bay says, let it go. I’m, additionally, not going to think this is the end of the road and my surgery didn’t work. I’m looking at this positively, my body just wants a rest. I’m not going to say that everything I’ve worked for has been undone, because it hasn’t, I’m not going to inflict that hate on myself.
And so, now I draw to the title of this blog, and the sense of just keep going. I’m not letting this phase me or stop me in life, I’m just going to take it easy. I’m going to keep swimming, as Dory says.
I’m keeping swimming, but at my own pace. I might be a bit behind you but I’ll catch up soon.
See you guys next time!