I lost two years of my life… To people who didn’t give a shit.
I feel like people have been waiting for this post. And it has taken me a while to finally write it. I haven’t wanted to write it, I have wanted to write it, I haven’t wanted to air my drama… but, I think it is an important post.
And, as I’ve labelled my blog as- I’m brutally honest and personal. It is what makes this blog. I’m fairly certain you don’t come to my blog expecting sunshine, unicorns and rainbows. Most people don’t.
I’m a tragically, brutal, blogger.
I can’t even pretend that I wasn’t impacted by these two years, because I was. I look back now and I see my life. I see how those two years meant nothing to me. Nothing in those two years made me a better person- none of them gave me will to live. Truthfully, those years were some of the hardest times of my life. I was trapped with people who were toxic and wrong on all levels, but I didn’t see a way out.
Partially, I’m going to blame myself. I was in a dire place after various events and life changing dilemmas. I didn’t have many friends, I didn’t care about myself and my life was difficult. I couldn’t go out the house without worrying about my knees, and whether they would dislocate on that day. I felt like a massive burden on anyway I ever came across. I couldn’t be a ‘normal’ person; I couldn’t be a student.
I’ve written about friends before and about how you should live your life. I’ve written about how you shouldn’t let people bring you down. However, I’ve never told the brutal truth of how the hell you get out of that situation.
It is never easy. No matter how much people have created some kind of hole in your life, it is difficult to let go of them. More, because, you find yourself blaming what happened on your existence. Maybe, it would never have happened if you hadn’t been around. Maybe, it all happened because of you.
The reality is… it is never your fault. This is important, because it took me a while to realise. It took me until a year after to even grapple with this idea. Things happen to us because we were never supposed to be there in the first place. We were taken down the wrong path, we took the wrong exit, we didn’t know what to expect.
Believe me, that concept is a difficult one to even consider but it is one I try to stick with. Things happen to us that we cannot control. No matter what we choose to do, who we try to help- events in our life cannot be stopped.
I’m finally deciding to make peace with myself, because I deserve it. The two years that happened have impacted me so hard, but I deserve to make up for the years of torture I caused myself. I’m finding new friends, I’m keeping older friends, I’m socialising more, I’m taking time to write. I’m working on being myself again…
I owe myself that.
Love, Rachel x