I guess, I don’t really know how to start this piece, because it is so close to my heart. It is something I’ve been holding onto for a few months. It is something that I have let myself become, that I never wanted to become.
Let’s strip back to a couple of months ago. I broke up with my boyfriend of four years. I had loved him so much but it ended on good terms. I haven’t been single for four years, and in that time I have grown from a girl to a woman. I have taken on new values, I have made a path in my head of where I want to go, I have created a dream that I am trying to raise. I am trying to keep my dream alive.
This new single life was I guess thrilling, I could find myself again. I could take time for myself, I could meet new people. The idea of it seemed so thrilling that I guess I let myself slip away from values I held close to my heart.
I promised myself that I would never let a man, or a woman for that matter, take away from me what I always believed. I have values, I have beliefs and I have never felt the need to silence them to impress others around me.
I guess, I became pretty reckless in those few weeks after my break up. I thought that letting my walls down would help me to find some solace, some hope that I could love someone else again. I probably dove into the idea of new people far too soon. I knew that rebounds were a thing, I even wrote a post on it, and I was so determined that I would not do that.
I would get through my break up by myself. I would find it liberating, I would find some happiness through the clouds of loneliness that clouded me. I met friends every other week, I attempted to blog, I tried to fill the time of emptiness around me. I followed my dreams of law and I worked every day on university work.
The month after, I met someone new. He seemed lovely, he seemed kind, he said everything that someone wanted to hear. Though, I let my values slip because he didn’t believe in them.
He called me a Feminist Bitch.
I think, I let myself believe that I had no reason to be a feminist. That, my values were invalid and that I had nothing to stand for. I was following a cause that everyone hated. I was turning into something that no one would ever take time for. No one would ever love me, again.
I had nothing to stand for, I had nothing to fall for. I was nothing.
I realise, now, that I wouldn’t stand up for what I felt. I wouldn’t open my mouth if something was said that I didn’t believe in. I kept quiet, I let myself drown in my own thoughts.
This post is so difficult for me to write, because I look back on where I have been. 2017 seemed like a high note, but it was muddled in my thoughts of love and hope. My strength was pulled from a fake belief that I had become someone who could be loved.
I knew that I would find this post cathartic, that I needed to write something so I could just work out my thoughts. I feel lost, and I don’t know what I’m doing or where I am going right now.
I created a person who I thought everyone would love.
Maybe, you’re wondering why I’m even discussing this… why I’m even telling you about this part of my life. It is because I’ve learned that someone out there will feel the same, they will feel like the feminist bitch. They will have values that they don’t want to let go. They will know what it is like to silence themselves for a man. They will have faced recovery before. They will be trying to find the same path I am currently stood on.
I have had much abuse in the past about being a feminist, I think I’ve heard a lot of shit about it. Now, I am taking on the label of ‘feminist bitch’ as something I pride myself on. I have something that wakes me in the morning, something that makes me want to do good in the world. Something I hold onto when everything else around me falls to shit.
And, I’m not getting too deep here, because we all know I kind of really hate doing that. However, I felt the need to express how much words can really have an impact on someone’s life. Now, I’m just the feminist bitch living the single life.
This leads me to try and wrap this thing up with what happens now…
What am I going to do now?
Now, I see how bad the past couple of months were for me. How I broke into something I am not. How I have lost my way.
RachelTalks is a name I have grown out of. I have loved and I have lost through this blog, and I have seen my blog grow into something I love. Though, I need to overhaul that name and become something else. Something that completely stands for what I am.
Hopefully, I look to reveal my new blog name in time, but take this post as a major hint as to where my blog is heading. People enjoy the personal side of my blog far more than I believe and I have constantly had comments on the personal posts.
Blogging is something I have often found solace in. It is something I would never give up, I will always find time to come back to my followers.
Blogging is like coming home.
I have looked back at the past couple of weeks and seen myself slowly break down, I can see that there was times I wasn’t happy. I know that I’m not okay, I know that I will slowly recover from where I am right now.
I know that I have love around me, I know I have people who will support me. I know that all I have to do is ask. For now, I am focusing on myself, my blog and my ambitions in life. I am letting myself go where I want to go.
I am standing firm.
I am speaking my mind.
I am saying no.
The single life is something that has weighed me down more than I thought it would. It has taken it’s toll on me. It has broken me down into something small, but I know I am a fire that won’t stop burning no matter what happens.
I am going to be okay.
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Until next time my loves,