Why 2018 has NOT been my year… so far, anyway.

Welcome back my lovely loves,

Wow, we have been on a bit of a journey and it feels like 2018 has only just begun.

I took the huge leap to change my blog name, I changed the way I discussed things on my Instagram. I decided that this blog would be honest with you. That I owed you explanations, and that I should discuss things… because that is why I love the blogging community. 

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2018 was supposed to be MY year. I had so many expectations of what it would be, and what I would achieve. You may remember I wrote a post towards the end of January where I detailed what I felt I’d lost. How I was struggling with everything. How I knew that I had to work on myself and my beliefs.

At that time, I was so broken I had no idea how to bring myself back up again. I think I stopped communicating with those around me. And, if I did talk to them, I ended up saying things I would instantly regret. I made some terrible mistakes, and I knew they were terrible when I woke up the next morning hungover and wondering what the f*ck I did. I was reckless… I was f*cking stupid.

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From my past experiences, I didn’t expect what happened to happen. I didn’t expect to relapse out of nowhere. I was not at all ready to lose myself for the good chunk of a month. And, I guess that is the problem with recovery. You most definitely think you are good, you think you are okay, but then you are not fine. Nothing is fine anymore.

I thought I was happy, I told myself I was happy. I told myself that I could deal. That 2018 was still going well. Well, f*ck me Rachel, you really are stubborn?

It isn’t until I look back at the last 2 months that I understand how up shit creek I really was. I was up the stream, I had no paddle, I had no way to get back… yet, to me, I was doing pretty well. I was still floating, who cared if I would never reach land again? It was as if my relapse just crept up on me, and that is what hurt the most. I wasn’t prepared this time, I wasn’t ready for it… and that is what hurt most.

I genuinely felt pain inside me that I hadn’t felt for a long time. I had feelings curled up in me that I didn’t even know were there. Recovery was something I had to genuinely tell myself I needed. February was pretty tough for me. I had a lot to think about and I spent a lot of time trying to work on myself. I felt pretty isolated from the outside world, but I had to give myself lots of time. I hardly saw my blog friends, I lost interest in everything I loved.

It really was utter shit.

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I could no longer be the sassy person I was, or that people expected. That is the thing about recovery that people don’t understand. You have to build yourself up from the bottom. You have to reach the bottom to realise how much you have to push yourself.

I think that relapse was probably the worst I have dealt with for a while, and I wouldn’t want anyone to go through battling yourself. You become your own worst enemy…. how do you fight the monster that you are living inside?

How do you stare at that in the morning and deal with it?

2018 has started off pretty shit, and my blogging has really taken a hit for this. My blog posts are building up because I begin them and I don’t know how to continue them. I have abandoned one of my favourite hobbies, I have lost touch with some friends because I have needed to take a step back. I feel incomplete, I feel unsure of what do next.

A relapse really can come out of nowhere, and hit you when you least expect it. I learned that the hard way. I have no idea how I missed the signs or how I did not see it coming. However, I have learned that bad things happen every day. Things that we don’t expect happen all the time. And, all we can do is continue to swim on against the changing tide. We have to keep on going, because life doesn’t wait for anyone.

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This year has started pretty badly, but I am looking ahead. The worst has come, and I am looking over the hill now. I have reached the top of the mountain, and I’m not ready to come back down yet. I am enjoying where I am. I have learned, I have lost and I have fallen so hard.

I have broken my own heart, I have lost people, I have gained new friends and I have a new perspective on life. 2018 has started off pretty badly, but I am not letting that stop me.

I am happy at the moment, I am content.

I am okay, for now.

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