I never been completely open about things like this because it has taken me years to tell close friends, or feel like I can mention it to others around me. However, I feel like if I write about this now, someone will understand where I’m coming from.
I have spent a lot of years, I put it to over 7 now, battling with something that it pains me to even consider. It has been the worst demon in my life. It has been the monster that hides in my closet, and appears when I least expect it. Even writing about it right now, feels incredibly hard.
Recovery is a term that can be used in many different ways, but I use the term recovery as a way to say ‘hey, I’m still on this journey, and it is still something I’m dealing with’. I try to not see recovery as something bad in my life, because it isn’t. I was clean for a very long time; I thought I was fine. However, some very toxic things happened in my life, and I relapsed 2 months ago. It was the biggest set back I have had in a while, and it made a lot of moments difficult.
I hadn’t had to deal with the concept of recovery, or bad mental health for a very long time. I thought everything was bright and great; I thought I was ‘fixed’, but it wasn’t where I actually was. So, this whole recovery thing really came back to bite me. In all honesty, I felt shame, and I still do feel shame. I felt shame because of why I had relapsed… I’d had so long clean and then one moment toppled me over the edge. I was absolutely most definitely angry at myself, I was angry at the toxic things in my life, I was angry at the situations I had put myself in. All I could feel for the past two months was anger, but also excuses for why I put myself in those places.
It is love.
This is supposed to hurt.
Life is supposed to be full of painful lessons.
I have tried to look for achievement in other people. I have spent the past two months considering where I am now, and where other people are. I have been considering myself a failure, I have felt alone, I have felt unloved. I have never felt so much pain that has continued for so long.
This is a lesson I have had to learn by myself. This is something I have had to come to terms with.
Recovery comes first. You are the priority in your life.
I’ve looked back at my blog posts over the past months or so, and I have known that I am in a difficult place, but I have never fully tried to be honest with this path of recovery. It’s just so difficult to feel like I have taken a lot of steps back, when I had come so far.
My head feels like I have lost years of work, over something so ridiculously small… something so minor. I just feel like I should have seen this coming, I should have stopped things before they reached the point of relapse. However, I think this is what happens when you stop putting yourself first, because you put others before yourself? Accepting recovery is thinking that the past has repeated itself. Did I not learn from my previous mistakes?
Recovering from an addiction is never discussed. However, it is the thing that kept you going when no one else care. It made you believe in yourself when no one else did. It made you feel better for 2 minutes. It was my crutch for years of my life. It was all I knew. So, to relapse with that addiction, has been difficult. It has been on my mind every day, for 60 days.
I thought my recovery could be smooth because I had people in my life, who I thought cared for me, and loved me, and knew this road I was on. However, I was stupid to think that your recovery is a path that others take with you.
Your recovery is wholly dependent on yourself, and no one can take away the pain you have whilst going through it.
No matter how much love you think you have, how much support others give you, your recovery is still a battle that you face every day. So, putting it low down your list doesn’t make it better. Recovery won’t just go away because you say it will. No matter how okay you feel, or how much you deny recovery, one day it will come back to haunt you.
I have always been so terrified of admitting this to people, because I have always been ashamed of this battle I face. So, I think admitting to myself that I’m constantly recovering has been really quite hard to face. I just haven’t taken time to deal with myself, which I need to.
I think that really is the hardest part of recovery. A relapse always feels like the end of something good to me. I really do feel like I’ve failed, and I find it so difficult to admit that I’ve tripped up. I guess it just makes us feel weak, as if we let the poison in our life win. For me though, it’s felt like an endless cycle of two months thinking it was good, that I was good, that I had to be there for other people, that I was a disappointment, that I couldn’t be a good person because there were so many people I couldn’t fix.
But, you know what? Fuck all those other people.
I say that in the kindest way, because it isn’t your job to fix people.
The worst thing for me, is the concept that I can expect someone to love me when I bring so much baggage with myself. How can I expect someone to love me when I’m not even sure who I am right now? And, maybe people will disagree with me out there, but I didn’t make this blog with the intention to keep the peace.
I do not want to give this version of myself to someone else.
Every decision in this beginning of my recovery is unsure. Everything I think I’m feeling may not even be what I’m feeling.
This is why I have to put my recovery first. My self harm journey has been one that has been so difficult, and I know it isn’t over… I just know that. It’s time to fuck toxic situations, fuck toxic people and put yourself first.
We are number 1.
We are more important than anything will ever be to us.
The first step in a recovery journey is to accept that there is an issue. The second step is to accept that it’s time to deal with it. I can’t deal with it when I’m dealing with other things that influence how I feel. I can’t recover when I’m surrounded by things that bring me down, or make me feel less than I am.
I feel like I have had my reckless moments, I have screwed up the past two months of my life, and sometimes that happens. I have lost things that may have been important to me, and I have created situations that I don’t want to find myself in.
I just don’t want to go back to where I have been, because I know that the journey I took from that point in my life was a long one. And, somehow, I ended up in an okay place. I had to take all the poison out of my life, to find something I was happy with.
I don’t want to let down everyone who I love, and I do not want to be a toxic person to those around me. So, putting my own recovery first is what I have to do. I have to leave people behind, I have to choose what makes my life positive, and what brings me up. My recovery process has to be on my own.
Recovery is not a selfish action. Cutting yourself off from situations and people to further your recovery journey is not selfish. Taking time to yourself, and muting people who you love is not selfish.
I want to come back at my absolute best, and have moved on from this hurdle in my life. I want to give the love I have to those who I love. I want to show love to those who I want to show love to. I want to feel like I have things to give to those around me- as if I can dedicate my best self to them.
I’m not being selfish. I am putting my own recovery first.