If you asked me at 14 what I want to be when I grew up, I would tell you a good career, perhaps have children, to be married and doing well. I would have placed a lot on boys liking me, too.
If you asked me at 21 what I wanted, I would have told you a career. I would have not said marriage or children. I wouldn’t even be placing any kind of thought on my love life.
So, here I am at 24, and I’m the kind of woman who I aspired to be.
I have my training contract and I’m working in law. I’m developing my career every day. And, finally, I don’t care about dating or feeling the urge to have a boyfriend, or children, or be married by a certan age.
Of course, it feels fantastic. I love this feeling of empowerment. I am single woman with nothing to hold me down and I feel great. I could do whatever I wanted tomorrow, because the only person who would object would be myself. I don’t feel the pressure of having to compromise, or having to wonder my relationship.
And, this feeling is amazing.
Becoming single and going through some turbulent dating in 2018 has made me an empowered, confident and happy person.
However, there is just one thing that impacts me every now and then.
I lay in bed with an empty space next to me. I sit in a group and I feel lonely.
As much as I tell myself that I don’t need to date for validation, and that I am perfectly fine by myself, I can’t help but feel lonely, and as if there is something wrong with me.
Why does no one want to date me?
I don’t want to settle, or date and end up with nothing to show for those 6 months I might have dated someone and then it ended badly.
Most of the time, I am thankful for being single and for having this time to work on my career goals and myself. I am thankful that I am empowered enough by the women around me, and the experiences I have faced, to be okay with being single.
Everything I stand for rests on the idea I don’t need a man to complete me – I am already complete as I am.
Some days, I just can’t help but wonder what is wrong with me. And some days, being an empowered and take no shit kind of woman can be extremely lonely.
Sticking by your beliefs and everything you stand for can be a lonely journey. And, until you find someone who is exactly on the same wave length, you have to walk the road alone.
Maybe I do this to myself, maybe I’m too picky, maybe I’m asking for too much, maybe I have been too optimistic that the kind of love and partner I seek is out there.
Maybe I deserve to be lonely, because I ask too much of people and I have to lower my standards a little.
I hope that none of that is true, but sometimes, I can’t help but think it.